Wednesday, July 23, 2014

green bean delight

let's be honest, the weekend is the time for wineicecreamcheesechocolatedidimentionwine? but by the time monday rolls around i am craving a bowl of veggies so large that it makes people stare. i love this bowl of veggies so much that i didn't even envy the cheesy enchiladas my husband was eating right next to me. fast, light, & healthy - this bowl of beans is the perfect weeknight dinner.


green bean delight

coat a shit-ton of green beans and cherry tomatoes with olive oil, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. roast at 400 degrees for ~25 minutes, turning halfway through (i like mine roasty).

fill a bowl with an exorbitant amount of roasted green beans and tomatoes (hey, they are veggies) and top with chopped pecans (or walnuts) and a solid drizzle of tahini. 

add a toasted piece of healthy bread (Ezekial sprouted grains) if you just finished spinning for two hours and need to refuel (it happened, i needed carbs and i needed them fast).

curl up on the couch with your veggie bowl and be delighted...

Monday, July 21, 2014

cupcake salad

i had intentions of taking pictures and then blogging about my dinner creations this weekend. i forgot how burdensome that can be. 

i brainstormed blog topics during my long run on Sunday morning. it was refreshing to know that, once again, i could capture all of the thoughts that swirl around my head in a blog post. and that someone might read my words and find a glimmer of light or a moment of 'i'm not the only one!' in all of my mumblejumble

and then i came back and sat in front of this screen only to watch the cursor blink - without post-able dinner pictures or a coherently 'themed' blog post. and i started wonder if this blog is supposed to be or if i am trying too hard to force the return of something i used to love so dearly. change is hard, my friends. 

but, just now, in not knowing what to post i realized that the dinner i prepared may have created a moment of learning. and that is worth sharing.


i made the best shredded kale salad by Oh She Glows for dinner on saturday night. i drenched that kale in its dressing, topped it with cranberries, and sprinkled on the pecan 'parmesean' that is so good i want to pour the entire food processor over my head and sing for joy. and when i opened the refrigerator after it had marinated for an hour and saw what i had created - my heart swooned. like the kind of swoon you get when you see a doublechocholatefrostingpeanutbuttercupcake. but from a salad. and there is something so very beautiful about the moment when something so good for you makes you so insanely happy. i love this salad and it loves me (but don't get me wrong i also love doublechocholatefrostingpeanutbuttercupcakes).

so i ate and i was happy and i was satisfied and i was nourished. and it was because of my heart swoon that i was prompted to pause...

...and reflect...

...and remember...

 ...how beautiful a salad can be.

Friday, July 18, 2014

dipping my toe in the water

...hello...

...has everyone gone from here? so much has happened, so much has changed. 

i need to write and to be a part of something larger than myself. i wonder if anyone will notice? i wonder if anyone will see? i wonder if that is even the point?

this blog has been happy and it has been sad (but then again - so have i). for the past year - i have been working on balance. some days are dark and some days are bright. some days i am in control and some days i drink too much wine. some days my mind takes over and some days i find peace. i thought i had to give this up, but what if this blog could reflect the same? what if i could find words in the middle? couldn't i post my kitchen creations one day and a solemn haiku the next? there are no rules (at least there shouldn't be).

i have so much to say...

so today, i am dipping my toe in the waters of my less serious life. a blog that has been my enemy and a blog that has been my friend. but a blog that has always been my voice.

so far, the water feels nice.

Friday, August 16, 2013

fragile hearts

Why are hearts so fragile? Broken with a word. Broken with a facial expression. Sometimes, broken with nothing - just broken.

And.Then. 

To put it back together. I tend to lose all my heart pieces. They scatter all over my bedroom floor. Some of them hidden under the bed. It is like assembling a 2,000 piece puzzle. You think you have found two interlocking pieces, your face warms at the possibility of their connection, and they don't fit. You try again, they don't fit. You try and force them together, they don't fit. Over and over and over and over again.

 (image)

I wish hearts were stronger, but maybe they are delicate for a reason. Maybe they are delicate because in those soft, pure moments when they lift - when they flutter in love or burst in happiness or jump in excitement - you notice. You are fucking astonished. You feel it with the deepest part of yourself. And a hard heart would take away from these moments, fleeting they may be. These are the moments that make life worth living. 

So, I'll keep living with my fragile heart. Reassembling each time it gets broken, waitinghoping for the next time it rises to become filled with warmth.

Monday, August 12, 2013

back into life

Today begins the first week of classes. Back to reality. No more of this 'having plenty of time to "recover"' luxury. It's go time: I teach fucking tomorrow.

I can't figure out if I'm scared or not - considering what last semester did to me (ahem, mental breakdown -> utter chaos). Have I learned enough lessons this summer to avoid making the same mistakes? Have I incorporated enough new coping mechanisms into my life to tame my tenacious anxiety and compulsive ways? Will I have enough time to make it work? Or maybe the question is - will I make enough time?

I can't take another dark summer like the one that just passed me by. I won't.


What I know now that I didn't before is that it isn't about always being perfect (or not perfect), or about being anxiety free. Life is unreliable. There will be moments of chaos. They will piss me off. That isn't the point. It is what I do with those moments that will make the difference. Will I breathe and take a moment to step back from the whirlwind? Or will I barrel through, push myself to be 'perfect', and end up breaking my foot by running 27 miles in an attempt to calm my nervesstrungsohigh. No amount of running can tame that beast. 


So, here I go. Back into life with high-ish hopes and a hesitancy bound to exist based on my previous experience. It goes on.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

<>

i don't feel like writing. wait shit, that is me writing. paradoxical.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

monster

Depression is a bad ass motherfucking beast. It stands eight feet tall and is covered in wiry grey hair. It has three heads with big red bulging eyes that frighten and defeat. Its arms are long and powerful - it stands over me and holds me down, kicking and screaming kicking and screaming. It shrieks in laughter at my suffering - my tears only fuel its power.


Anyone out there have a weapon I can use against it? I mean think a nuclear explosive or a big fucking bazooka might work.